Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up. 

I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need.  I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.

From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now. 

So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome. 

Running

Running

As I lie here awake, the minutes keep passing, not one brings me closer to you
Our love burned so hot we both felt the fire and retreated, cause it seemed the safest thing to do. 

I started doubting, so you did the same. Angry words with only me to blame
Now the spark that began that intense burning fire has dwindled…but for me there’s still a flame
But I’m to proud to tell you, I’m scared of what would come…no reaction at all or an intense “I’m so done”. 
So I’ve blocked all your numbers, hid away from your sight. Because that way I control it and I win the fight. 
Who the hell am I kidding, there are no winners here. Just a broken-hearted woman…still living in fear. 
Maybe you still think of me and want us back too. but I’ll never know cause I’m running from you. 
And the farther I get, my pace starts to slow. I’m always looking back wondering if you’ll be there to ask “where the hell did you go”

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

As the rain pours outside, the splashing of the large raindrops into the massive puddles that have formed outside my window are both relaxing and comforting, while at the same time, they sadden my heart. It holds memories I shared with a man I once loved.
It saddens me to know that I no longer love him.

No matter how bad things ever might have gotten, in my mind love was forever. Especially with children involved.
I do love as Jesus does. I love everyone in that way. Empathy is one of my God-given talents. But, I’m not in love with him. When I look at him there is no sadness or longing for what was or what might’ve been.
I pray he finds peace; for, when I look at him now I just see a shell of a man who on the outside tries to appear put together. But,  on the inside he is  empty and broken because he looks for love in all the wrong places
I now know that no matter who I was or tried to be, my love would have never been enough. I also know that the way he carried himself  is not my fault.
I pray for him every day. I pray that he finds the love that is available to him through  his Creator. That he truly feels how strong and powerful that is. Then, maybe, he can find love with in himself. Until that day, he can only outwardly appear to love, never truly feeling it in his heart. 

I forgive you…

Control me no longer

Control me no longer

I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for. 

For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle. 
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet! 

A tear falls for…what wasn’t

A tear falls for…what wasn’t

It is hard to give an exact “its been X amount of days” since my marriage ended. One, it was a long time coming…like years. Another complicated factor…all is still in “separation” status. Not even a finalized divorce yet. All that being said…I’m finally at a good place. The emotional wounds from it all are diminishing scars; and, when I think about the fact that it is completely over…I am actually relieved. However, there are still times when a small memory, jogged from something I see or hear, will try to hijack my emotions.

Today, that trigger was thunderstorms. Not the storms themselves, but the news coverage. The display of the different camera angles from the storm trackers, coupled with the familiar voice of my fave weather guy, brought back a memory that caused a brief moment of pain. I was transported back to a storm season when there was a very serious storm on the way. One might think I was upset because during that time I had someone to make me feel safe. A protector of our family who I knew would give his life before he let any harm come to us. And now, in this storm, I was left to protect my family on my own. As a matter of fact, for a moment…my mind tricked me into thinking that was why I was upset. But it wasn’t. I was sad because I was reminded I had none of that. I was sitting through that storm just as I am in this one…alone with my children. Meanwhile, our “protector” was out. I could throw out a few assumptions as to where…but it does not matter anymore. Here is what matters…even though a tear still falls from time to time…I am learning to truly feel my emotions and understand exactly what has triggered it. Because, there is a substantial difference between being upset because you miss something versus crying because you realize you just might have never had it to miss in the first place.