Afraid of happiness? Now you’re just talking crazy. 

Looking back on my life…as far as I can remember…happiness has never been an abundant emotion for me. Sadness, fear, worry, self doubt, pretty much feeling worthless. My ENTIRE life spent in school…I’m talking pre-k through college, there was one thing on my mind more than anything else…I don’t want to be here. I seriously feared the crowds in the hallways, the classroom settings where I was terrified of being singled out. The silent pleading with the teacher, thinking that just maybe, if I plead long enough and stayed super focused, she could somehow here my silent cries for mercy.  I constantly worried about what others thought of me and therefore I avoided everyone. I thought I was not rich enough, pretty enough, smart or witty enough to even dare talk to anyone. 

So you might be wondering what this has to do with being “afraid” of happiness. Well, if I was unhappy and had a “poor-me” story to share…it was a Segway into a conversation and it allowed me to drive the conversation down MY road. It wasn’t that I was arrogant and only wanted to talk about me. It was the simple fact that a conversation about me I could never fail at. I knew all about me and what was coming next in the conversation. When the conversation started to slip off the “me” topic, I immediately began to drown in despair. I use the adjective drown for a very specific reason. My mind felt as if the inside of my head was being flooded with a million thoughts all at once. How to answer, what to say when they finished talking, how to get the conversation back to me. My mind went into serious malfunction mode and I couldn’t handle it. Being unhappy was a shield. As absolutely insane as it sounds, I believed unhappiness kept me safe. In reality…it just kept me alone. 

I’ve had an indescribable amount of personal growth over the past several years. However, when I describe how I felt back then, I get flashbacks of certain situation in which I was horribly embarrassed, humiliated, and mortified. Some of the memories I can see as clearly as the day they happened. 

So, I have a long way yet to travel on this journey to self discovery and healing. I still have unanswered questions about my fear of happiness. What I do know…is  it has held me back, kept me a prisoner in my own mind for so long. Fear, a silent enemy living within me, unnoticed yet in plain sight. 

The fight is on though; and in the end fear will not be the victor. Slow and steady wins the race and so I will continue to celebrate any success I have on this journey. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step closer to being the me I know I am meant to be. The me that’s been locked away. 

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The narcissist. It was true, when I said it. 

I posted this to help a fellow friend dealing with a narcissist in her life. I wanted to post…hoping it might help others as well. The below is a response to a question/situation shared privately. Hereford, I have only shared my response, not the question that it refers to …..

My response:

Sounds like my situation and I was in it for more than 17 years. He’s a narcissist. And even if he says there was never sex before…it’s more than likely not true. For so long I struggled with telling myself he would finally be happy with someone else. That ate at me so I just kept trying to change, be “better” But, You see, he’s not looking for someone else, he’s just looking for impulsive, spontaneous situations. It is excitement and him living his life not caring about anything except how he feels in the VERY moment he’s in. Not how he felt after he did it the last time, not how much it hurt when you found out and he saw the pain in your eyes and watched you weep with disbelieve and unbearable feelings of “why” His life is about him, when he comes back and says he’s sorry, takes you back in his arms and you feel as if he truly is sorry…know he is…in that moment, because him being sorry is what’s best for his game, not because he’s hurt about how he made you feel. He will most likely always cheat, no matter who he’s with. Because he’s looking for someone to love him “just right”. There’s a problem with his theory though… the love he is missing is the love he needs to have for himself. And, no one will ever be able to provide that to him. He has to do that on his own. However, as unfortunate as it is… He’ll probably never learn this. 

Biggest thing… You have to know that it is not you. There’s nothing that you could do or say to change him, to make him want to be faithful. I’m betting you are an amazing individual with so much to offer in this world and he is totally holding back all that you could be. Don’t let him do that. Don’t give him that power. Trust me, I know how hard it is. But, with the right support, friends, family… You will make it through this.

Control me no longer

Control me no longer

I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for. 

For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle. 
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet! 

Back in the Saddle

Yikes! Been wondering lately how many times I’m going to have to say I’m getting back on track before it actually happens…

Answered my question today… Who knows?!

I feel like that saddle I keep trying to get in is strapped to a horse running non-stop around a race track. I stand back up when I get thrown and in order to get back on I have to eye him as he’s coming back around the bend and try to tune things just right because to get back in that saddle I’ve got to jump on. Remember…I said he’s cruising non-stop! Every time I get ahold of it only to slide right back off into the dirt. 

But…as long as I keep getting back up, no matter how brief the time is before the horse comes back around and knocks me over again…Eventually I’m going to be strong enough to pull myself up. I got this!

Is this my happiness or am I just trying to create yours?

As I write this I sit confused, irritated, and disappointed…all in myself. Out of a marriage for over two years now. I’ve dedicated myself to Christ and for the past three years have myself and my kiddos actively involved in our church community. About 8 months or so ago I realized something huge. With this realization I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do to change my emotional self and get me headed in the right direction. 

What was it? I realized the one thing needed my attention the most, the one I needed to pour every bit of myself into…was not myself, not my kids, not my dating life. It was Jesus. If I did that everything would fall into place. Not all at once…I know all good things take time…but progressively at His pace. 

My post yesterday was about listening to Him. Being still and patient. Well, even when I do all of the above I still struggle with what is His will and my want. A few months ago I met and began talking to a man. After only two dates I thought I loved him. I kept trying to talk myself out of that word but it kept creeping into my thoughts and I began to honestly believe God crossed our paths because this was my forever. (SMH) He seemed amazing. But, I kept my eyes open. I didn’t discount or ignore any flaws that came up…at first. But then, little discrepancies started showing through. The biggest…the amount of Faith he held in his heart. We would discuss it occasionally when I would bring it up, asking if he’d found a new church or heard from any of his friends at the church he’d said he used to go to. One day, about a week ago, his response to that question woke me up. Not completely…but I only had to hit the snooze button once. That very next week it was like God truly opened my eyes. The entire time we had been dating I thought I was being so observant. I thought I was keeping God first, being cautious without being distrusting. I was wrong and I had known it for some time…I just didn’t consciously realized it. 

Thinking back over the past several weeks I realize I was doing exactly what I thought I had taught myself not to. I was putting my beliefs and my happiness aside to try and do all I could to make this man happy. Even worse, I wasn’t getting that in return. But, in my mind only a couple weeks ago I thought I was. But the absolute worst part is the fact that I was trying to please this man and in doing so took my eyes off of God. And, I didn’t even see it happening. 

Letting him go was hard…for me. It didn’t seem to bother him much. That part was bittersweet. It hurt to know I was right. To know he didn’t care for me as I had “wanted” him to. But, praise God. I hate to admit it but let’s be honest… If he had begged for another chance, said he did care, offered to work on things…I can’t say with certainty I would have been able to do what was right and let go. Heck! I stayed in a relationship/marriage for over 17 years and I knew it was toxic before he proposed. See…letting go has never been my thing. 

For now, I’m going to focus on the Father that has always been there for me. That is the love I need in my life. So I will heed my own words and be silent, still, and patient. I will continue my journey of learning to live and love as Jesus did. The rest will find its way into my life as it should and only when I’m ready. Down the road I’m not totaling ruling out the whole dating thing. However, the “cat lady” thing seems to still be on the table.

PS-I’m not a fan of the word hate…but I HATE dating. It’s going on the shelf for a while. 

Your heart is not the answer

Follow your heart, its heard so often…but its not what we’re to do.

Jesus, our Lord and Savior is who we’re to listen to.

Its difficult to be still and listen…to wait for the next move.

Faith will give you the patience needed to pause before following through.

Just sit down in silence, close your eyes and pray for His guidance.

For He is, and always will be, right there beside us.

-KG

Why Isn’t it My Fault?

As a parent, I’ve had more moments than I can count where I have thought to myself..what if I had done something just a little different. Most of those times I can shake it and realize that whatever the situation may be, there was nothing I could have done differently. Mistakes are how we learn and life is life…right? 

Tonight my precious baby was admitted to a mental facility due to harming themselves and writing a letter about how they didn’t feel like “them” anymore. This kid who I have had the pleasure of being a mommy to for nearly 16 years no longer wants to be in this world, thinking that taking their life would be better than facing this world any longer. How could there NOT be something I could have done differently?!?

I’m grateful it was caught and help can be put in place. I’m far more fortunate than the parents who are asking this same question because their child is gone due to the same circumstances.

So, I am putting my worry, blame, confusion, and heartache right were it needs to be…in God’shands. His Son walks with me and my amazing kiddo everyday. I will continue to remind myself every day what Pastor Steven Furtick stated in his Book, Crash the Chatterbox. It goes something like this… Being grateful is thanking God in advance for the things that only makes sense in reverse.