Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up. 

I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need.  I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.

From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now. 

So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome. 

Is this my happiness or am I just trying to create yours?

As I write this I sit confused, irritated, and disappointed…all in myself. Out of a marriage for over two years now. I’ve dedicated myself to Christ and for the past three years have myself and my kiddos actively involved in our church community. About 8 months or so ago I realized something huge. With this realization I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do to change my emotional self and get me headed in the right direction. 

What was it? I realized the one thing needed my attention the most, the one I needed to pour every bit of myself into…was not myself, not my kids, not my dating life. It was Jesus. If I did that everything would fall into place. Not all at once…I know all good things take time…but progressively at His pace. 

My post yesterday was about listening to Him. Being still and patient. Well, even when I do all of the above I still struggle with what is His will and my want. A few months ago I met and began talking to a man. After only two dates I thought I loved him. I kept trying to talk myself out of that word but it kept creeping into my thoughts and I began to honestly believe God crossed our paths because this was my forever. (SMH) He seemed amazing. But, I kept my eyes open. I didn’t discount or ignore any flaws that came up…at first. But then, little discrepancies started showing through. The biggest…the amount of Faith he held in his heart. We would discuss it occasionally when I would bring it up, asking if he’d found a new church or heard from any of his friends at the church he’d said he used to go to. One day, about a week ago, his response to that question woke me up. Not completely…but I only had to hit the snooze button once. That very next week it was like God truly opened my eyes. The entire time we had been dating I thought I was being so observant. I thought I was keeping God first, being cautious without being distrusting. I was wrong and I had known it for some time…I just didn’t consciously realized it. 

Thinking back over the past several weeks I realize I was doing exactly what I thought I had taught myself not to. I was putting my beliefs and my happiness aside to try and do all I could to make this man happy. Even worse, I wasn’t getting that in return. But, in my mind only a couple weeks ago I thought I was. But the absolute worst part is the fact that I was trying to please this man and in doing so took my eyes off of God. And, I didn’t even see it happening. 

Letting him go was hard…for me. It didn’t seem to bother him much. That part was bittersweet. It hurt to know I was right. To know he didn’t care for me as I had “wanted” him to. But, praise God. I hate to admit it but let’s be honest… If he had begged for another chance, said he did care, offered to work on things…I can’t say with certainty I would have been able to do what was right and let go. Heck! I stayed in a relationship/marriage for over 17 years and I knew it was toxic before he proposed. See…letting go has never been my thing. 

For now, I’m going to focus on the Father that has always been there for me. That is the love I need in my life. So I will heed my own words and be silent, still, and patient. I will continue my journey of learning to live and love as Jesus did. The rest will find its way into my life as it should and only when I’m ready. Down the road I’m not totaling ruling out the whole dating thing. However, the “cat lady” thing seems to still be on the table.

PS-I’m not a fan of the word hate…but I HATE dating. It’s going on the shelf for a while. 

Moms and Rocks – Careful…You’ll Lose What You Love Most

It doesn’t matter what it is…if you have kiddos and life’s hardships have caused you to crawl under a rock…guess what…there’s no room under there for your kids. While you’re hiding from the world, your kids are wishing they could experience it. And, while there might not be room for them under your rock…they could end up finding one of their own. Here’s another question…do you know what happens then? Depression sets in for your kids. They become sad and feel abandoned by you…and you don’t even know it because you’re still hiding from the world your kids are living in. 

I know this so well, because up until about a year ago…I found my own special rock. Not only did I crawl under it, I piled a few more on top just to make sure the world couldn’t get in. And like I stated before…as much as I dreaded that world and the pain it had brought me…MY KIDS where out there ALONE!!!

My days consisted of getting up with barely enough time to rush them out to the bus, and get my self to work. Coming home from work I didn’t worry about picking up. Heck, I didn’t even worry about dinner…I let Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell, etc. take care of that. So, I come home, walk in the door, ignore the mess because I don’t want to deal, plop the food on the counter, say a quick hi to my kids, and then it was off to my bedroom. I’d eat…lay in bed and maybe watch some TV until it was time for the kids to be in bed. I didn’t get up to kiss them good night or tuck them in…I simply yelled BEDTIME, LIGHT OUT!

Oh good grief, just writing that makes it hard to forgive myself. But, I have. The reason I can forgive myself and the reason I am out from under that rock living an amazing life with my kids are one in the same…God! He saved my life and now, as I strengthen my relationship with Him, He is leading me in rebuilding my relationship with my kids. 

It’s not easy. Some days I still have to drag myself out of bed. Sometimes I have arguments with myself when I’d rather sit on the couch instead of playing a game or just talking with them. But, every day is better…for me and them. 

Anything is possible. The key is NEVER GIVE UP! You just keep pushing. Especially in an instance like this. I would imagine any mother that struggles with spending time with her kids doesn’t feel great about herself. But know this, find your relationship with Him and pray for help where you’re struggling. 

I hope this can help some single mommies out there. Or, even mommies that have a significant other. 

If you’re depressed or not enjoying life right now, surround yourself with people who inspire you to be a better person everyday. People you know will not only encourage, but push you to be the person you want to be. And, do not be afraid to share this struggle. You’re not alone unless you choose to be. 

We got this! One prayer at a time!

❤️