Each Day with the Illness (bipolar)

Each day brings with it a surprise,
Will happiness flood me easily or tears be seen in my eyes?

Well I understand my struggle enough to vocalize my need for help?

Or, will it paralyze me, leaving me unable to speak, to whisper, to yell?

Will today be the day the feelings take over and I believe my purpose here is through?

Or, will I be able to see all of God’s glorious truths?

Will I laugh and interact, engaging in meaningful conversation?

Or, will I turn inside myself not knowing how to find salvation?

Will I stare across the room, at the wall, or just close my eyes…trying to escape the nothingness inside?

Or, will I feel the joy that I know is always there?

Will I be able to discern Satan from what is real?

Be it a struggle to find Joy or that Joy is simply there…
I will live each day with purpose.

I will praise and stay in prayer.

I will overcome this illness that has chosen me as its home.

God is by my side and promises to leave nothing left undone!

One Thing Makes it All Unravel

All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together. 

This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it.  See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!

One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier. 

That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!