Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up. 

I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need.  I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.

From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now. 

So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome. 

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I know who I am… Why can’t I become her.

I know who I am… Why can’t I become her.

A lot has happened over the last month. Changes with custody to my children. Lost focus on my business. Lost my primary day job that was supporting my family as I got my business off the ground. 

All of that being said… There is this amazing and driven Woman that lives within me. I can feel her presence every day. She urges me to fight my depression and get out of bed and tells me what I already know… That without change there will be no change. However, there’s another voice inside that is constantly overtaking her. With remembrances of past mistakes, things I should’ve – would’ve – could’ve done differently or not at all. 

Despite starting my days off with positive affirmations and reading out loud my personal statement of who I am and who I am reaching to become, that voice deep within me that knows all of my past secrets and fears… That voice keeps winning. 

I know that I have to start making changes. I know that if I don’t push for my business harder than I ever have  right now that this is it. It’s all or nothing. I know that if I don’t find a new job to supplement my income I’m not going to be able to take care of my family. Yet, as I write this, I am laying in bed, staring at the wall. That amazing, driven woman inside of me is the begging me to get up, get my workout done make a healthy lunch and reach out to friends..reconnect and live my life. Then there’s the other voice… it doesn’t even use words most of the time…just fear of all my mistakes and what I can never accomplish. If I were to give it life I know the things that I would be saying to myself. However, I choose to focus on the kind, positive words of the person I’m trying to become and know that I am deep inside.

So tell me this… How is it that I can drown out the words of the negative voice, the limiting beliefs…by consistently combatting them with positive affirmations….affirmations I truly believe… yet still, that woman  I know that I am; that driven woman…remains hidden deep within me, underneath all of the negativity and past experiences.

I honestly can’t even begin to understand how so much is at stake right now… Yet it’s still not enough to cause that driven part of me to break through and take over.

There is a saying about how we have two dogs within us. A positive a negative one. And, the one we feed the most is the one that thrives. Well, I’m feeding my positive dog while my negative dog has become a cannibal. Due to its lack of starvation, I feel like instead of fighting for the food that I am providing the positive dog it’s just eating the positive dog all together. Trying to destroy it so that it no longer has to fight for its food.

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

In this life, you’ve got to know what you want and then you’ve got to pursue it! The life you want will not just fall in your lap. You must know you can achieve your goals, set them, and work toward them everyday. BUT, you must never try to control the outcome. That is where you must have faith. Faith in a power far greater than you. Faith that this power(God) is constantly working every situation to your good. Whether it feels like it or not. 
If you take steps in the right direction everyday with actions that make you proud of yourself….if you persevere even when it seems like your progress is stagnant, even when it feels as if everything is working against you…YOU WILL SUCCEED! 

Focus daily and never give up!

Control me no longer

Control me no longer

I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for. 

For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle. 
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet! 

Back in the Saddle

Yikes! Been wondering lately how many times I’m going to have to say I’m getting back on track before it actually happens…

Answered my question today… Who knows?!

I feel like that saddle I keep trying to get in is strapped to a horse running non-stop around a race track. I stand back up when I get thrown and in order to get back on I have to eye him as he’s coming back around the bend and try to tune things just right because to get back in that saddle I’ve got to jump on. Remember…I said he’s cruising non-stop! Every time I get ahold of it only to slide right back off into the dirt. 

But…as long as I keep getting back up, no matter how brief the time is before the horse comes back around and knocks me over again…Eventually I’m going to be strong enough to pull myself up. I got this!

One Thing Makes it All Unravel

All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together. 

This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it.  See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!

One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier. 

That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!

Moms and Rocks – Careful…You’ll Lose What You Love Most

It doesn’t matter what it is…if you have kiddos and life’s hardships have caused you to crawl under a rock…guess what…there’s no room under there for your kids. While you’re hiding from the world, your kids are wishing they could experience it. And, while there might not be room for them under your rock…they could end up finding one of their own. Here’s another question…do you know what happens then? Depression sets in for your kids. They become sad and feel abandoned by you…and you don’t even know it because you’re still hiding from the world your kids are living in. 

I know this so well, because up until about a year ago…I found my own special rock. Not only did I crawl under it, I piled a few more on top just to make sure the world couldn’t get in. And like I stated before…as much as I dreaded that world and the pain it had brought me…MY KIDS where out there ALONE!!!

My days consisted of getting up with barely enough time to rush them out to the bus, and get my self to work. Coming home from work I didn’t worry about picking up. Heck, I didn’t even worry about dinner…I let Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell, etc. take care of that. So, I come home, walk in the door, ignore the mess because I don’t want to deal, plop the food on the counter, say a quick hi to my kids, and then it was off to my bedroom. I’d eat…lay in bed and maybe watch some TV until it was time for the kids to be in bed. I didn’t get up to kiss them good night or tuck them in…I simply yelled BEDTIME, LIGHT OUT!

Oh good grief, just writing that makes it hard to forgive myself. But, I have. The reason I can forgive myself and the reason I am out from under that rock living an amazing life with my kids are one in the same…God! He saved my life and now, as I strengthen my relationship with Him, He is leading me in rebuilding my relationship with my kids. 

It’s not easy. Some days I still have to drag myself out of bed. Sometimes I have arguments with myself when I’d rather sit on the couch instead of playing a game or just talking with them. But, every day is better…for me and them. 

Anything is possible. The key is NEVER GIVE UP! You just keep pushing. Especially in an instance like this. I would imagine any mother that struggles with spending time with her kids doesn’t feel great about herself. But know this, find your relationship with Him and pray for help where you’re struggling. 

I hope this can help some single mommies out there. Or, even mommies that have a significant other. 

If you’re depressed or not enjoying life right now, surround yourself with people who inspire you to be a better person everyday. People you know will not only encourage, but push you to be the person you want to be. And, do not be afraid to share this struggle. You’re not alone unless you choose to be. 

We got this! One prayer at a time!

❤️