A lot has happened over the last month. Changes with custody to my children. Lost focus on my business. Lost my primary day job that was supporting my family as I got my business off the ground.
All of that being said… There is this amazing and driven Woman that lives within me. I can feel her presence every day. She urges me to fight my depression and get out of bed and tells me what I already know… That without change there will be no change. However, there’s another voice inside that is constantly overtaking her. With remembrances of past mistakes, things I should’ve – would’ve – could’ve done differently or not at all.
Despite starting my days off with positive affirmations and reading out loud my personal statement of who I am and who I am reaching to become, that voice deep within me that knows all of my past secrets and fears… That voice keeps winning.
I know that I have to start making changes. I know that if I don’t push for my business harder than I ever have right now that this is it. It’s all or nothing. I know that if I don’t find a new job to supplement my income I’m not going to be able to take care of my family. Yet, as I write this, I am laying in bed, staring at the wall. That amazing, driven woman inside of me is the begging me to get up, get my workout done make a healthy lunch and reach out to friends..reconnect and live my life. Then there’s the other voice… it doesn’t even use words most of the time…just fear of all my mistakes and what I can never accomplish. If I were to give it life I know the things that I would be saying to myself. However, I choose to focus on the kind, positive words of the person I’m trying to become and know that I am deep inside.
So tell me this… How is it that I can drown out the words of the negative voice, the limiting beliefs…by consistently combatting them with positive affirmations….affirmations I truly believe… yet still, that woman I know that I am; that driven woman…remains hidden deep within me, underneath all of the negativity and past experiences.
I honestly can’t even begin to understand how so much is at stake right now… Yet it’s still not enough to cause that driven part of me to break through and take over.
There is a saying about how we have two dogs within us. A positive a negative one. And, the one we feed the most is the one that thrives. Well, I’m feeding my positive dog while my negative dog has become a cannibal. Due to its lack of starvation, I feel like instead of fighting for the food that I am providing the positive dog it’s just eating the positive dog all together. Trying to destroy it so that it no longer has to fight for its food.
In this life, you’ve got to know what you want and then you’ve got to pursue it! The life you want will not just fall in your lap. You must know you can achieve your goals, set them, and work toward them everyday. BUT, you must never try to control the outcome. That is where you must have faith. Faith in a power far greater than you. Faith that this power(God) is constantly working every situation to your good. Whether it feels like it or not.
If you take steps in the right direction everyday with actions that make you proud of yourself….if you persevere even when it seems like your progress is stagnant, even when it feels as if everything is working against you…YOU WILL SUCCEED!
Focus daily and never give up!
I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for.
For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle.
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet!
All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together.
This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it. See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!
One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier.
That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!