Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up. 

I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need.  I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.

From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now. 

So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome. 

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

In this life, you’ve got to know what you want and then you’ve got to pursue it! The life you want will not just fall in your lap. You must know you can achieve your goals, set them, and work toward them everyday. BUT, you must never try to control the outcome. That is where you must have faith. Faith in a power far greater than you. Faith that this power(God) is constantly working every situation to your good. Whether it feels like it or not. 
If you take steps in the right direction everyday with actions that make you proud of yourself….if you persevere even when it seems like your progress is stagnant, even when it feels as if everything is working against you…YOU WILL SUCCEED! 

Focus daily and never give up!

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

As the rain pours outside, the splashing of the large raindrops into the massive puddles that have formed outside my window are both relaxing and comforting, while at the same time, they sadden my heart. It holds memories I shared with a man I once loved.
It saddens me to know that I no longer love him.

No matter how bad things ever might have gotten, in my mind love was forever. Especially with children involved.
I do love as Jesus does. I love everyone in that way. Empathy is one of my God-given talents. But, I’m not in love with him. When I look at him there is no sadness or longing for what was or what might’ve been.
I pray he finds peace; for, when I look at him now I just see a shell of a man who on the outside tries to appear put together. But,  on the inside he is  empty and broken because he looks for love in all the wrong places
I now know that no matter who I was or tried to be, my love would have never been enough. I also know that the way he carried himself  is not my fault.
I pray for him every day. I pray that he finds the love that is available to him through  his Creator. That he truly feels how strong and powerful that is. Then, maybe, he can find love with in himself. Until that day, he can only outwardly appear to love, never truly feeling it in his heart. 

I forgive you…

Control me no longer

Control me no longer

I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for. 

For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle. 
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet! 

Is this my happiness or am I just trying to create yours?

As I write this I sit confused, irritated, and disappointed…all in myself. Out of a marriage for over two years now. I’ve dedicated myself to Christ and for the past three years have myself and my kiddos actively involved in our church community. About 8 months or so ago I realized something huge. With this realization I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do to change my emotional self and get me headed in the right direction. 

What was it? I realized the one thing needed my attention the most, the one I needed to pour every bit of myself into…was not myself, not my kids, not my dating life. It was Jesus. If I did that everything would fall into place. Not all at once…I know all good things take time…but progressively at His pace. 

My post yesterday was about listening to Him. Being still and patient. Well, even when I do all of the above I still struggle with what is His will and my want. A few months ago I met and began talking to a man. After only two dates I thought I loved him. I kept trying to talk myself out of that word but it kept creeping into my thoughts and I began to honestly believe God crossed our paths because this was my forever. (SMH) He seemed amazing. But, I kept my eyes open. I didn’t discount or ignore any flaws that came up…at first. But then, little discrepancies started showing through. The biggest…the amount of Faith he held in his heart. We would discuss it occasionally when I would bring it up, asking if he’d found a new church or heard from any of his friends at the church he’d said he used to go to. One day, about a week ago, his response to that question woke me up. Not completely…but I only had to hit the snooze button once. That very next week it was like God truly opened my eyes. The entire time we had been dating I thought I was being so observant. I thought I was keeping God first, being cautious without being distrusting. I was wrong and I had known it for some time…I just didn’t consciously realized it. 

Thinking back over the past several weeks I realize I was doing exactly what I thought I had taught myself not to. I was putting my beliefs and my happiness aside to try and do all I could to make this man happy. Even worse, I wasn’t getting that in return. But, in my mind only a couple weeks ago I thought I was. But the absolute worst part is the fact that I was trying to please this man and in doing so took my eyes off of God. And, I didn’t even see it happening. 

Letting him go was hard…for me. It didn’t seem to bother him much. That part was bittersweet. It hurt to know I was right. To know he didn’t care for me as I had “wanted” him to. But, praise God. I hate to admit it but let’s be honest… If he had begged for another chance, said he did care, offered to work on things…I can’t say with certainty I would have been able to do what was right and let go. Heck! I stayed in a relationship/marriage for over 17 years and I knew it was toxic before he proposed. See…letting go has never been my thing. 

For now, I’m going to focus on the Father that has always been there for me. That is the love I need in my life. So I will heed my own words and be silent, still, and patient. I will continue my journey of learning to live and love as Jesus did. The rest will find its way into my life as it should and only when I’m ready. Down the road I’m not totaling ruling out the whole dating thing. However, the “cat lady” thing seems to still be on the table.

PS-I’m not a fan of the word hate…but I HATE dating. It’s going on the shelf for a while. 

Your heart is not the answer

Follow your heart, its heard so often…but its not what we’re to do.

Jesus, our Lord and Savior is who we’re to listen to.

Its difficult to be still and listen…to wait for the next move.

Faith will give you the patience needed to pause before following through.

Just sit down in silence, close your eyes and pray for His guidance.

For He is, and always will be, right there beside us.

-KG

One Thing Makes it All Unravel

All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together. 

This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it.  See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!

One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier. 

That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!