As I lie here awake, the minutes keep passing, not one brings me closer to you
Our love burned so hot we both felt the fire and retreated, cause it seemed the safest thing to do.
I started doubting, so you did the same. Angry words with only me to blame
Now the spark that began that intense burning fire has dwindled…but for me there’s still a flame
But I’m to proud to tell you, I’m scared of what would come…no reaction at all or an intense “I’m so done”.
So I’ve blocked all your numbers, hid away from your sight. Because that way I control it and I win the fight.
Who the hell am I kidding, there are no winners here. Just a broken-hearted woman…still living in fear.
Maybe you still think of me and want us back too. but I’ll never know cause I’m running from you.
And the farther I get, my pace starts to slow. I’m always looking back wondering if you’ll be there to ask “where the hell did you go”
All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together.
This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it. See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!
One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier.
That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!