Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up.
I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need. I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.
From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now.
So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome.
Finally got my insurance back and at the psychiatrist today. I’ve been off my medications since January and holy shit my world has flipped upside down. I didn’t realize just how much until I was sitting there spewing off all that’s happened and what issues I believe are related to not being on my meds.
Here we go. Time to get my shit together!
As I lie here awake, the minutes keep passing, not one brings me closer to you
Our love burned so hot we both felt the fire and retreated, cause it seemed the safest thing to do.
I started doubting, so you did the same. Angry words with only me to blame
Now the spark that began that intense burning fire has dwindled…but for me there’s still a flame
But I’m to proud to tell you, I’m scared of what would come…no reaction at all or an intense “I’m so done”.
So I’ve blocked all your numbers, hid away from your sight. Because that way I control it and I win the fight.
Who the hell am I kidding, there are no winners here. Just a broken-hearted woman…still living in fear.
Maybe you still think of me and want us back too. but I’ll never know cause I’m running from you.
And the farther I get, my pace starts to slow. I’m always looking back wondering if you’ll be there to ask “where the hell did you go”
I refuse to let anyone decide how my life goes and that starts really easily…by making sure every day is a good day no matter what. Not simple, but at the end of the day I will not rest until I can name at least three things I have to be grateful for.
For so long I’ve allowed the things around me to control my emotions and then let my emotions control me. It’s a terribly viscous cycle.
It’s still a journey. This time of year is a thousand times harder. The last two weeks it seems like something has triggered a memory or emotion at least once a day. When my mind starts heading that direction, I turn it around. I pray and remind myself as many times as it takes to get my head back in the game. It’s not always instantaneous. And, even if it is, sometimes I find myself starting to dwell on something else ten minutes later. The past can be relentless…and your subconscious even more so. But, until my habit of thinking about what hasn’t gone or isn’t going right is turned to a habit of happiness and being grateful…I won’t stop. I’ve already won, my mind just doesn’t know it yet!
All is well, as well as life can be right now any way. Feeling like me again and getting things back on track. Then, out of nowhere comes this damn freight train. It must be going at least 1,000 miles per hour because it doesn’t just take me out…it completely obliterates all the good I’ve managed to pull back together.
This is how it always happens and I’m fed up. What makes me the most irate with myself is that it’s not a freakin’ freight train coming out of nowhere, it’s a damn Mini Cooper going at the rate of about half a mile an hour. It’s not near enough to destroy anything good, until I let it. See…in my over-analyzing mind, one minuscule leak and that’s it…the whole ship is fixing to go down!
One thing that makes overcoming this issue so hard is that happiness is not my default. It’s a place I have to deliberately take myself. I’m far better than I used to be. With me, negative used to be my world. Negative friends, negative husband, negative co-workers, negative ME. I’ve been workin on weeding out all of this negativity for over four years now but I still struggle. It’s just that now the struggle is less likely to drag me down so far that I can’t find my way back for months. I might lose a day or sometimes several days; but, I never lose sight of where I need to be. So, getting back there is far easier.
That Mini Cooper is looking far less like a freight train every day!
A few months back I purchased a journal that had “Be the Change You Wish to See in the World – Gandhi” stamped across the front. This is of course why I purchased it. What an inspirational statement to read every time I pulled it out to…to…to do what? Was I going to track my thoughts, write a daily journal, write down my prayers, take notes when reading my personal development books…what was I going to use it for?
See what I did there? I took an amazing tool and turned it in to a weapon, out to destroy my path to success and happiness. It took me over a month before I wrote anything in it…and since I didn’t know what I was going to use it for…not only did I not write in it, I didn’t set any goals, write down any amazing off the wall thoughts, study my personal development…nothing. Is this not the CRAZIEST thing you’ve ever heard of? But, it turns out the is a terrible habit of mine.
My subconscious has me beat into a corner. I can see it clearly. A small dark room with only enough light to see into the corner where I am. However, “me” is actually me when I was younger, maybe 5 or 6. I look exactly as I did in my school photo at that age; a white and blue paisley dress and the crooked bangs because grandma attempted to cut them herself. ***insert red-faced emoji*** I am cowering in that corner afraid if I move I won’t like what people have to say about it.
And here is some more crazy for ya…
As I am standing there staring at the sad, scared me…I notice she is staring at something else. Turns out there are two “little me’s” in this dark room. Sad me stared into the corner across from her at what I will call, superhero me. She is decked out in a yellow and red superhero outfit, cape and all. Her brown hair in pigtails and sporting a nice pair of black goggles on her freckled face. She is prepared to fly straight out of this dark room and that is exactly what she is trying to do. Problem is, no matter how hard she tries, she can’t jump high enough off the ground to get away from that corner. See…sad me is holding her back. Her terrified thoughts of failure are like webs of defeat keeping miss superhero from exiting this dark room and flying right into awesome. Know why…because she’s not really there, she is in the mind of sad me. She can see just how great she can be but she can’t pull it out of her mind and LIVE it.
So here is my question…if my subconscious me can’t become what she clearly sees she could and should be…how will I ever be able to? Awesome, superhero me is in what would be like a whole different galaxy in my mind. How do I find her and then…free her?