A lot has happened over the last month. Changes with custody to my children. Lost focus on my business. Lost my primary day job that was supporting my family as I got my business off the ground.
All of that being said… There is this amazing and driven Woman that lives within me. I can feel her presence every day. She urges me to fight my depression and get out of bed and tells me what I already know… That without change there will be no change. However, there’s another voice inside that is constantly overtaking her. With remembrances of past mistakes, things I should’ve – would’ve – could’ve done differently or not at all.
Despite starting my days off with positive affirmations and reading out loud my personal statement of who I am and who I am reaching to become, that voice deep within me that knows all of my past secrets and fears… That voice keeps winning.
I know that I have to start making changes. I know that if I don’t push for my business harder than I ever have right now that this is it. It’s all or nothing. I know that if I don’t find a new job to supplement my income I’m not going to be able to take care of my family. Yet, as I write this, I am laying in bed, staring at the wall. That amazing, driven woman inside of me is the begging me to get up, get my workout done make a healthy lunch and reach out to friends..reconnect and live my life. Then there’s the other voice… it doesn’t even use words most of the time…just fear of all my mistakes and what I can never accomplish. If I were to give it life I know the things that I would be saying to myself. However, I choose to focus on the kind, positive words of the person I’m trying to become and know that I am deep inside.
So tell me this… How is it that I can drown out the words of the negative voice, the limiting beliefs…by consistently combatting them with positive affirmations….affirmations I truly believe… yet still, that woman I know that I am; that driven woman…remains hidden deep within me, underneath all of the negativity and past experiences.
I honestly can’t even begin to understand how so much is at stake right now… Yet it’s still not enough to cause that driven part of me to break through and take over.
There is a saying about how we have two dogs within us. A positive a negative one. And, the one we feed the most is the one that thrives. Well, I’m feeding my positive dog while my negative dog has become a cannibal. Due to its lack of starvation, I feel like instead of fighting for the food that I am providing the positive dog it’s just eating the positive dog all together. Trying to destroy it so that it no longer has to fight for its food.