Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Learning to live with the fact I NEED medication and that’s ok. 

Everyone has there own opinion and in today’s world there are countless ways to share every opinionated thought that just might cross your mind. Struggling with a mental illness, the opinions are everywhere and range from those who struggle but push everyday…knowing they can overcome to those who know nothing about it but toss around their criticism stating it’s all made up. 

I will say this…if I didn’t possess the awesomeness of a few disorders myself…though I’d support those that did, I know full-well I could never fully understand the affect it has on a person’s life. Sometimes I’ve got shit going on in my head that is so crazy Even I have a hard time understanding myself. And then…there’s the medication side of things. I was diagnosed with BPD nearly four years ago and I’ve tried to be my own therapist, Dr., and psychiatrist plenty of times. Taking myself of meds and starting back when I think I probably effed up by stopping them. This is SO STUPID and thankfully God allowed me to see just how stupid before I made a very bad and permanent choice. I had thoughts of taking my own life that got to the point I COULDN’T stop them. I tried and they continued. I did not attempt anything. I KNEW I didn’t want that…but it took me an all-night session between me, my disorder, and God and a visit with my psychiatrist the next day to hamper the thoughts. All because I didn’t want to have to rely on meds, so I stopped the ones I thought I didn’t need.  I know how fortunate I am to be here and what an amazing blessing it is that I was able to pool together every resource I could to stop myself and also not allow my episode to require a hospital stay.

From that night forward I have not taken the tremendous ability medication has to help and hinder for granted. However, I lost my insurance the beginning of this year and I couldn’t afford it, so from the end of January until today I have not had my meds. It’s been a ton of maintenance and educating myself and those that love and support me to just get by on somewhat of a functional level. As I sit here and think of the last several weeks, my life has been slowly unraveling. So many not so positive changes that I know have been due to not being stable. Relationships ruined…that’s the worst part honestly. To be blunt…I’ve been a bitch. I’ve pushed people away to avoid emotion, been irritable and snappy. I don’t even like me right now. 

So, to sum this all up…there have been far to many situations over the past few years that have proven medication is a key factor to me living a stable life. As I filled my prescriptions this evening I caught myself saying out loud to my pharmacist, ” it’s ridiculous I have to rely on medicine to function.” Then, I immediately corrected myself. I’m blessed this medication is available. I’m fortunate I have access to it and God has granted me the wisdom to know I need it and that’s ok. I know I’m still going to struggle with this feeling here and there. But I also know I will overcome. 

Insurance…FINALLY

Finally got my insurance back and at the psychiatrist today. I’ve been off my medications since January and holy shit my world has flipped upside down. I didn’t realize just how much until I was sitting there spewing off all that’s happened and what issues I believe are related to not being on my meds. 

Here we go. Time to get my shit together!

Running

Running

As I lie here awake, the minutes keep passing, not one brings me closer to you
Our love burned so hot we both felt the fire and retreated, cause it seemed the safest thing to do. 

I started doubting, so you did the same. Angry words with only me to blame
Now the spark that began that intense burning fire has dwindled…but for me there’s still a flame
But I’m to proud to tell you, I’m scared of what would come…no reaction at all or an intense “I’m so done”. 
So I’ve blocked all your numbers, hid away from your sight. Because that way I control it and I win the fight. 
Who the hell am I kidding, there are no winners here. Just a broken-hearted woman…still living in fear. 
Maybe you still think of me and want us back too. but I’ll never know cause I’m running from you. 
And the farther I get, my pace starts to slow. I’m always looking back wondering if you’ll be there to ask “where the hell did you go”

I know who I am… Why can’t I become her.

I know who I am… Why can’t I become her.

A lot has happened over the last month. Changes with custody to my children. Lost focus on my business. Lost my primary day job that was supporting my family as I got my business off the ground. 

All of that being said… There is this amazing and driven Woman that lives within me. I can feel her presence every day. She urges me to fight my depression and get out of bed and tells me what I already know… That without change there will be no change. However, there’s another voice inside that is constantly overtaking her. With remembrances of past mistakes, things I should’ve – would’ve – could’ve done differently or not at all. 

Despite starting my days off with positive affirmations and reading out loud my personal statement of who I am and who I am reaching to become, that voice deep within me that knows all of my past secrets and fears… That voice keeps winning. 

I know that I have to start making changes. I know that if I don’t push for my business harder than I ever have  right now that this is it. It’s all or nothing. I know that if I don’t find a new job to supplement my income I’m not going to be able to take care of my family. Yet, as I write this, I am laying in bed, staring at the wall. That amazing, driven woman inside of me is the begging me to get up, get my workout done make a healthy lunch and reach out to friends..reconnect and live my life. Then there’s the other voice… it doesn’t even use words most of the time…just fear of all my mistakes and what I can never accomplish. If I were to give it life I know the things that I would be saying to myself. However, I choose to focus on the kind, positive words of the person I’m trying to become and know that I am deep inside.

So tell me this… How is it that I can drown out the words of the negative voice, the limiting beliefs…by consistently combatting them with positive affirmations….affirmations I truly believe… yet still, that woman  I know that I am; that driven woman…remains hidden deep within me, underneath all of the negativity and past experiences.

I honestly can’t even begin to understand how so much is at stake right now… Yet it’s still not enough to cause that driven part of me to break through and take over.

There is a saying about how we have two dogs within us. A positive a negative one. And, the one we feed the most is the one that thrives. Well, I’m feeding my positive dog while my negative dog has become a cannibal. Due to its lack of starvation, I feel like instead of fighting for the food that I am providing the positive dog it’s just eating the positive dog all together. Trying to destroy it so that it no longer has to fight for its food.

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

A bit about perseverance…short and sweet

In this life, you’ve got to know what you want and then you’ve got to pursue it! The life you want will not just fall in your lap. You must know you can achieve your goals, set them, and work toward them everyday. BUT, you must never try to control the outcome. That is where you must have faith. Faith in a power far greater than you. Faith that this power(God) is constantly working every situation to your good. Whether it feels like it or not. 
If you take steps in the right direction everyday with actions that make you proud of yourself….if you persevere even when it seems like your progress is stagnant, even when it feels as if everything is working against you…YOU WILL SUCCEED! 

Focus daily and never give up!

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

No love for you equals no love for anyone around you. 

As the rain pours outside, the splashing of the large raindrops into the massive puddles that have formed outside my window are both relaxing and comforting, while at the same time, they sadden my heart. It holds memories I shared with a man I once loved.
It saddens me to know that I no longer love him.

No matter how bad things ever might have gotten, in my mind love was forever. Especially with children involved.
I do love as Jesus does. I love everyone in that way. Empathy is one of my God-given talents. But, I’m not in love with him. When I look at him there is no sadness or longing for what was or what might’ve been.
I pray he finds peace; for, when I look at him now I just see a shell of a man who on the outside tries to appear put together. But,  on the inside he is  empty and broken because he looks for love in all the wrong places
I now know that no matter who I was or tried to be, my love would have never been enough. I also know that the way he carried himself  is not my fault.
I pray for him every day. I pray that he finds the love that is available to him through  his Creator. That he truly feels how strong and powerful that is. Then, maybe, he can find love with in himself. Until that day, he can only outwardly appear to love, never truly feeling it in his heart. 

I forgive you…

Afraid of happiness? Now you’re just talking crazy. 

Looking back on my life…as far as I can remember…happiness has never been an abundant emotion for me. Sadness, fear, worry, self doubt, pretty much feeling worthless. My ENTIRE life spent in school…I’m talking pre-k through college, there was one thing on my mind more than anything else…I don’t want to be here. I seriously feared the crowds in the hallways, the classroom settings where I was terrified of being singled out. The silent pleading with the teacher, thinking that just maybe, if I plead long enough and stayed super focused, she could somehow here my silent cries for mercy.  I constantly worried about what others thought of me and therefore I avoided everyone. I thought I was not rich enough, pretty enough, smart or witty enough to even dare talk to anyone. 

So you might be wondering what this has to do with being “afraid” of happiness. Well, if I was unhappy and had a “poor-me” story to share…it was a Segway into a conversation and it allowed me to drive the conversation down MY road. It wasn’t that I was arrogant and only wanted to talk about me. It was the simple fact that a conversation about me I could never fail at. I knew all about me and what was coming next in the conversation. When the conversation started to slip off the “me” topic, I immediately began to drown in despair. I use the adjective drown for a very specific reason. My mind felt as if the inside of my head was being flooded with a million thoughts all at once. How to answer, what to say when they finished talking, how to get the conversation back to me. My mind went into serious malfunction mode and I couldn’t handle it. Being unhappy was a shield. As absolutely insane as it sounds, I believed unhappiness kept me safe. In reality…it just kept me alone. 

I’ve had an indescribable amount of personal growth over the past several years. However, when I describe how I felt back then, I get flashbacks of certain situation in which I was horribly embarrassed, humiliated, and mortified. Some of the memories I can see as clearly as the day they happened. 

So, I have a long way yet to travel on this journey to self discovery and healing. I still have unanswered questions about my fear of happiness. What I do know…is  it has held me back, kept me a prisoner in my own mind for so long. Fear, a silent enemy living within me, unnoticed yet in plain sight. 

The fight is on though; and in the end fear will not be the victor. Slow and steady wins the race and so I will continue to celebrate any success I have on this journey. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step closer to being the me I know I am meant to be. The me that’s been locked away.